Responsibility ... Take It Don't Leave it!

The other day I was watching Dr Phil and I was astounded by the issues that there were discussing on international TV. It just felt wrong, kinda like I was peeping into their house, well actually more like their bedroom given the details they were airing. And that got me thinking about how this was no different than what you hear from Maina and King’ang’i every morning. You do not say such things on air.

Such shows just make me want to call my mama coz she will deal with them appropriately … the callers will get a smack on their backsides and the viewers/listeners will not be spared either, she will expect them to find something better to do! And smack you for good measure lest you forget and tune in again.

Please allow me to flog an already dead horse but hey, I have a whip and this is a horse that really needs to be flogged and the fact that it is dead will not stop me! As a country we have seen the repercussions of people refusing to take responsibility for anything. People die and they best they can say is that they were not aware that there were people who did not have food. Or things that are man-made being declared an act of God. Corrupt deals happen right under your nose and you were not aware and therefore cannot be held to account for it. REALLY???

It must be clearly stated that the buck must stop with somebody and if that person is you, will you please do the honorable thing and accept that you dropped the ball?

I wish this malady was unique to government but sadly that is not so. It is in private institutions. It is in our families too. And nooo, it did not end there either, it has infected individuals.

It just seems like there is a certain aversion to taking responsibility for your life. It is always somebody else who is at fault for your actions or lack thereof.

Well, guess what, the word responsibility can be split into two words, response and ability.

The secret is to sharpen, develop and cultivate your response ability to the things that come your way. Do not blame. Do not throw tantrums. Do not waste your energy on things that will not help the situation. Situations may be beyond your control but both your response and ability are all within your control.

Complaining and procrastinating and making excuses will not cut it either.

Seek wisdom that will give you the ability in all situations to exercise good judgment, temperance, discipline, diligence, flexibility, decisiveness and at other times even humility. These will empower you to think at a higher level and make decisions with lasting positive impact.

I have had to honestly look at myself and daily commit myself to successfully change the things that I want to change and improve those that I want to improve. I have also learnt how to request for help and how to graciously receive this help for any situation I may be in.

I am learning that being responsible leads to a multitude of opportunities for new lessons and am discovering the true joy of growing into the extraordinary woman I am created to be. My opportunities are now endless!

I am empowering myself, by taking responsibility for myself!

If you are still stuck, mama taught me how to smack backsides real good and I would be glad to smack you for free!

Blessings y'all!

The Knots Prayer

A friend tagged me on this prayer on facebook and it was amazing how it really spoke to me at that point and time. It is such wisdom in such few words.

Troubles are like shadows that follow you around, the more you turn your back to them and the faster you walk from them, the bigger they grow
But turn around and face them, half of them retreat and shrink before your eyes and the other half just get up and go.

I particularly found myself praying that as God unties the knots, may I not tie new ones.

Dear God:

Please untie the knots

That are in my mind,

My heart and my life.

Remove the have nots,

The cannots and the do nots

Erase the will nots,

May nots,

Might nots that may find

A home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots

Would nots and

Should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all,

Dear God,

I ask that you remove from my mind,

My heart and my life all of the “am nots”

That I have allowed to hold me back,

Especially the thought

That I am not good enough.

Amen

Author Known to God

Just Call Me Gullible

I am a sucker for sob stories. I have listened to them by the truckload. I have cried over some of these stories. I have gone into my pocket and given. There have been times I have stood in front of the mirror looking for the badge on my forehead that says “sucker”!'

I particularly remember one day in early January, 2008 calm was just returning in the streets of Nairobi after the post election chaos. I was going to the salon to have my hair done when I met this old man who gave me the story of how together with his family they had lost everything in the clashes in Eldoret. He was living in Jamhuri Park with a large family and a new born grandchild. The grandchild bit did it for me. Right there and then I decided my beauty treatment could use some trimming. I gave him some money. The life of a child was at stake!

A couple of months later, I met this guy again. This time his story was that he had travelled from upcountry to see his son but upon arrival to the young man’s office, he was told the guy had travelled and now he had nowhere to go. He had used the little man he had coming to Nairobi and now he had no money to go back home nor did he have a place to spend the night.

Did I ever mention I have the memory of an elephant? May be even the body size of one but hey, my size is not today’s topic!

I asked him if they had moved out of Jamhuri Park. He looked at me puzzled. I reminded him that in January he had lied to me he was an internally displaced person. Then again, he really was an IDP, intentionally dodgy person.

As I stood there looking at him, I was not angry. That was surprising for me. I expected to be angry but I was not! Was I losing my ability to lose it?

Instead, I felt sorry for the guy.

Then I remembered a commitment I made sometime back.I had purposed a couple of years before to listen to all sob stories.

Growing up in Nairobi, street families were a common sight. Large crowds of parking boys were a scary norm. It was common to pass by and given them some coins to buy something. Sometimes to even buy them bread and milk when I felt sufficiently philanthropic. Fast forward many years later and there was a time when hawkers and street families had taken over the alleys in town. One evening as I was coming from work, my watch was snatched, ok more like ripped off my wrist and as I absorbed the shock, I resigned myself to being a statistic of Nairoberry and at the same time thanked God that I still had my bag. The next day, as I was walking home, some guy calls me by my nickname. Now, that is a name only known by guys who grew up in my neighborhood. He told me that he was sure I could not remember him but he was among the parking boys that I had bought for milk and bread in years past. He was now all grown up and was hawker, he even had a stall in town. His name was Zakayo. He had witnessed the snatching of my watch the previous day and he was here to return my watch. So much about hawkers and street families not having boundaries.

It was one of the few times in my life I was left speechless!

So you see, I will continue listening to sob stories. Of course there are those times that I can tell when am being conned. When a story sounds kinda familiar. When I can poke holes in a story. When there is something wrong with the picture.

I decided that yes, I may be conned but what if that one person was genuine? What if their story was real?

I have learnt to decide that if they have conned me out of some coins then that is between them and their god. Between me and my God, I will do what I am convicted to do.

I can openly confirm that people have been very gracious to me in so many ways. People have held my hand. People have given to me in kind and otherwise. Strangers have given to me. Strangers have been used by God to light my path.

It befalls me to light the path for someone.

If someone has ever done anything for you, do something for someone, a stranger or a friend without any intention of collecting on your “investment”.

Human beings were not created to be self-sufficient. We will always need each other. God uses people to bless others.

Nothing you do will be in vain. Do not be jaded by all the fraudsters out there.

I have chosen not to harden my heart.

Forget the skeptics.

Ignore the cynics.

They must not win.

Blessings y’all!

A Choice & A Journey

I have met people who hold grudges. You know the angry kind that walk around with a scowl on the face. I like to chuckle and believe that some of these guys walk around with a copy of their birth certificate and each time they meet a doctor, they refer to the said document. Daily, they desire to meet the doctor whose name appears on the darn document because that doctor slapped their newborn bum and they want revenge for pain afflicted!

Following last week’s post on forgiveness, I received many responses and questions on my inbox. I also had the opportunity to chat with some of you about the whole issue of forgiveness.

The one question that was asked by several readers was how to deal with really deep hurt that goes beyond the minor conflicts in the office, home, or even the chama. The pain of the "real" world of violence, deep loss, pain and trauma.

Forgive me this post is kinda long :-).

Well, I am obviously no expert in the field of forgiving and so I can only share from my personal experiences.

Forgiving is acknowledging that you cannot change the past and that by dwelling in that past, you will be held captive by it. Forgiving enlarges your future.

A couple of years back, someone near and dear to me was shot and later died after we were carjacked. I was angry. Angry with guys who shot him. Angry with him for dying. Angry with doctors for not saving his life. Angry with God for letting him die and me also for allowing this pain to come into my life. Angry with myself for feeling all this anger.

It got so bad, I had developed ulcers and they were bleeding. Funny thing I remember about that period of time, I never cried. I felt numb. My eyes were dry. I did not want to feel anything. Anger was all I needed.

With time I began dealing with this but it would seem that I began forgiving with those that were furthest first. The killers and the doctors were first on the list. I started consciously seeking to see good in strangers. The effect of that was being reminded that not all strangers were evil. I also spent time just talking to my friends who were doctors and learning that when they lose a patient, it impacts them and it is not just a statistic.


Forgiving myself, forgiving Charles (the deceased) and making amends with God was another story.

It took me 5 years to get there.

Just like the effects of poison in container, the anger corroded my insides. My relationships suffered. On the outside I was smiling but it was a fake plastic smile. Thanks to a job that entailed dealing with clients I knew how fake a smile and say all the right things. I could sound as perky as the birds at the drop of a pen. My acting should have won me an Oscar!

But what options did I have? I had to go on and so the best that I could do for myself was put all these into a box and lock it away. Once in a while I would remove the box, have a pity party and then lock it away again. This would happen on the anniversary of the incident. I was in control as you can see. I just had to keep my feelings in check and things would be ok, time will heals.

In the meantime, the corrosion continued. Why was time not healing this wound?

How could I logically explain what I was feeling? That I was angry with a dead person? That I was angry with myself? And about being angry with God, was I even allowed to voice that?

For the journey to begin, I unwillingly found myself in the hands of a counselor. Unwillingly because I only showed up for counseling because it was mandatory for the course I was taking. I did not even think I had anything to say to her …it was a perfect waste of the 20 hours of mandatory therapy that I needed to graduate.

With time and lots of patience from the counselor, I was ready talked about the incident. It was astounding the details I remembered. You see previously, when I talked about that incident, I talked about it as a detached party. One would never believe that it happened to me as I showed no emotion about it.

But not on that day, I was no longer numb. I felt the freshness of the pain. My memory was vivid. I remembered it all. The jeans I had worn and even the yellow shirt. I could not stop the details from flooding my mind. I remembered everything. I sobbed like a baby. I remember meeting a classmate at that time and she asked me what was wrong as the effects of the sob session showed on my face. I told her my friend had died. She hugged me. She told me I should take time off class and yes, she was even willing to attend the funeral with me. You see, the poor girl thought he had died the day before because we had been in class together the previous day and I was ok. So you can imagine how nutty she thought when I told her he had died 5 years ago!

Crying never felt that good. I cried for all the things I had given,
only to have them stolen.

Long and short of it, that crying signaled the beginning of my journey.
Many times forget is thrown into that forgiving equation with the cliché “forgive and forget” but is that always our reality? I like what Carol Luebering says on the issue …. you cannot forgive what you refuse to remember any more than you can seek treatment for a disease whose symptoms you have yet to notice.

So I had to get to that place. Only what is revealed gets healed.

Looking back today, I am glad I took the longer journey to forgive. You should not be pressured to forgive. In the book - The Art of Forgiving: When You Need To Forgive And Don't Know How, Lewis B. Smedes talks about fast forgivers. He says they tend to forgive quickly in order to avoid their pain. Or they forgive fast in order to get an advantage over the people they forgive. And their instant forgiving only makes things worse...People who have been wronged badly and wounded deeply should give themselves time and space before they forgive...There is a right moment to forgive. We cannot predict it in advance; we can only get ourselves ready for it when it arrives...Don't do it quickly, but don't wait too long...If we wait too long to forgive, our rage settles in and claims squatter's rights to our souls.

I am not sure what you did or what others did.

You must start by forgiving yourself. Why yet you are the one who was wronged? Before you dismiss me for being silly let me explain that.

Sometimes even though you were the one wronged, you may be angry with yourself because you were wronged! You replay the situation over and over in your mind and you blame yourself for not having done things differently. May be if I had not ignored my gut feeling this would not have happened. If only I had paid attention to the details.

You may even be unable to forgive yourself because the person that you wronged has not yet forgiven you.

Please do not allow your self-forgiveness to be contingent upon somebody else's readiness or willingness to forgive you. They may get something out of holding on to anger that they are not ready to let go of. They may be too frightened or wounded to let go of their anger. Feeling angry may be an important part of their healing process at this time. Allow others to be where they are. Respect their right to feel the way they feel.
What others feel and how they deal with it is NOT your responsibility. It is not even within your control.

Sometimes choices are made in the name of forgiveness while what is occurring is not forgiveness at all. It is important not to confuse being forgiving with denying your own feelings, needs, and desires. Forgiving does not mean being passive and staying in a position that clearly does not work for you. It is important that you are clear about who you are and what your boundaries are. What is acceptable for you? If you are willing to allow unacceptable behavior again and again in the name of 'forgiveness,' you are more than likely using 'forgiveness' as an excuse not to take responsibility for taking care of yourself or as a way to avoid making changes." (Robin Casarjian - Forgiveness: A Bold Choice For A Peaceful Heart).

So you may be wondering what about my relationship with a God I was angry with because He allowed this pain to come my way.

Well, once I forgave myself for being angry with God and then took my achy breaky heart to Him. I gave Him all the pieces.

The healing and teaching balm made me look at the five years that had passed since the incident.

I cried as I counted my blessings over those years. You see, even though I was angry with God, He had not withheld His blessings from me. His plan for me was still for good and not for evil because all along they were to give me a future and a hope.

I was just too caught up in the past to realize it. Too blind to see.

Unforgiveness blinded me...it does that you know.

He revealed to me that had I held on to that relationship, the relationship He had in store for me would never have come. You see, even though my fiancé had died, God had brought my way the husband He had had in store for me all along. He had even given us a child as a result of that union.

I cried in shame. For five years, I had taken His blessings for granted.

The husband I had, the baby among many other blessings ...I felt I was entitled to them ….after all, He had taken away my fiancé! He owed me!

But God convicted me to be honest about the kind of man Charles was before he died. For the first time, I allowed myself to examine the relationship we had. The man God had in store for me was more patient, more forgiving and more secure to allow me the freedom to grow into the woman God would have me be. God had been preparing him all along you see.

I counted my blessings, named them one by one.

And more than that, He was still reaching out to me to restore me for His namesake.

How could I be angry with such a God? I cried for having been too foolish to see His goodness for me.

For me, forgiving was not an event, more like a process.

So friends, forgiveness is not about a set of behavior or a formula. Just because this is what worked for me it is not the prescribed path. It is not the only path. You need to find your own path.

Forgiving is not for the weak, it is a reserve of the strong as Mahatma Gandhi said.

It is a bold and courageous choice.

It is a personal journey.

Yet at all times, it is ALWAYS an attitude of the heart.

Blessings y'all!

Forgiven and Forgiving

Forgiving is not easy.

But what is the alternative? Not forgiving is simply the bitter option.

Unforgiveness means we desire to hurt the people who have wounded us.

It is like the little boy who was sitting on a park bench in obvious agony. A man walking by asked him what was wrong. The boy answered, "I'm sitting on a bumble bee." "Then why don't you get up?" the man asked. The boy replied, "Because I figure that I am hurting him more than he is hurting me!"

In our daily interactions misunderstandings and conflicts are bound to arise. Friends and family will rub you the wrong way. And with certain people, it may not be the first time they do that to you. So it is really not like being stabbed by a friend …it was more twisting of the same knife they used some time back. At those times you are convinced the reason they did not take the knife with them was because they KNEW they will come back and twist it. Malicious aforethought as our learned friends would say.

It is easy to find justifiable grounds to hold a grudge. You are not really holding a grudge, you are just protecting yourself!

But this is what I have learnt from experience, holding a grudge is truly not the way to go. It causes me more damage than good. I lose my inner peace. I am irritable. I feel angry. I feel guilty. And physically, my heart pounds and I get a headache and sometimes a certain “something” in my tummy.

I have learnt that it is better to forgive than to feel emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially and physically sick.

I am cut off from who I am, from who God is and from the person or persons that I am angry with.

I forgive you if your first reaction is to be impressed by me but before you send that recommendation for me to be initiated into sainthood, I will remind you that I am human, fallible and weak.

There have been times when I have been wronged and been so intent on holding on to a wrong done against me.

I say intent because not to forgive is conscious decision.

Forgiving is among the few things for which the good book offers a prescription.

Yes, we have a daily dosage for forgiving on a daily basis, 70 times 7 times a day. I believe that the reason we have this prescribed dosage is not so that we can keep track of the number of times we forgive in a day but it is more to keep us in a state to forgiving on a daily basis.

If you are like me, I enjoy the Galitos bottomless coca cola with their meals but I cannot go and simply seat and order bottomless coke.I must have a meal that meets their terms to qualify for the unlimited coke. In the same way, I cannot simply expect others to obey God on the issue of forgiving and thus be a recipient of their forgiveness. I must also obey God and forgive as well. It is the cycle of life.

I was sufficiently rebuked to learn that by refusing to forgive, I am making several statements loudly and clearly with my actions.

One, that I am worthy of being forgiven but you are not worthy enough to be forgiven by me.

Secondly, that my grudge and holding on to it is more important than restoring my relationship with you. May be even indirectly saying that my grudge is more important than the person I have chosen not to forgive.

And as I have pondered about this, it became obvious to me that being unforgiving is a fruit of pride and self-righteousness.

I should base my forgiveness on what God has done for me, not on what another person has done to me.

Realizing how completely I am forgiven should produce in me free and generous attitude of forgiveness towards others. Indeed, when I do not forgive, I set myself outside and above God’s law of love.

So go on …forgive.

I am learning to let go and forgive.

In fact I can say when it comes to forgiving … I was blind but now I squint.

Each One Reach One

You will agree with me that the goings on in Kenya in the last month or so have left many of us wondering where this society is going to.

I am not talking about how one Mutua is collecting nyonga points on behalf of the government or how it has become evident that KRA is pursuing a ponyoka na MP strategy when it comes to taxation.

I am not even talking about the raging debate on when elections will be held whether in 2012 or 2013.

Yes, it is easy to point out the peculiar Kenyan habits when it comes to national issues. Remember that the drought situation was predicted last year.

And yet this is not a reserve of government only.

All around us, we have situations that we need to respond to. We have situations that are clearly spiraling downhill.

Worst still, we have people that are spiraling downhill ….and fast.

You may all recall the tragic death of Samuel Wanjiru a couple of months ago.

A friend posted on face book that she had heard of the things that the athlete had been up to in the months before his death and she was concerned. He seemed to be out of control in many ways. She tried to speak to people who could reach out to him. Unfortunately, before her efforts could bear fruit, he jumped to his death. Many were quick to say that they saw it coming and so when he tragically died, it had simply been a matter of when and not if.

Wanjiru was buried after much drama and we swiftly moved on.

There has been new drama in the block starring Mike Sonko.

We are watching everything he is doing with disgust. We are complaining why the media is giving him coverage. We are wondering why the Madaraka residents elected him.

Well, I am from Madaraka. Hhmm, once Kalembe Ndile was my MP in shags ….oh dear, clearly I have the scourge of comical MPs but that is not my point.

You see whilst both men may have provided comic relief and disgust at the same measure, universal suffrage is to be blamed or thanked depending on which side you are on! Think about it, even as we have seen the antics of Sonko and thought he was the worst thing before the rebranding of Kenya Power, he actually has following. Recently, I took a walk and talked to some people in this constituency. Sonko is their hero. Sonko pays hospital bills. School fees. Burial expenses. Sonko touches their lives in a very real way.

Whilst to many of us he may not even be worthy of a second glance, there are people who are eternally grateful for the day their paths crossed his.

Yes, we may question the source of his money. Yes, we may not like his style. Yes, we may look at his followers with disdain. But would you look at a gift-horse in the nose? Is it possible that needs over-ride everything else?

God forbid that you may think I have been paid to hold brief for Sonko …but I am realizing that I need to look at him (and many other Sonkos out there) in new light.

I once saw on news that Sonko has a wife and a kid.

So everything he does affects them directly or indirectly.

Now, if I was going around doing foolish stuff, there are people who would stop me if nothing else, for the sake of my child and possibly even for the sake of my hubby.

So could we get off our pious pedestals and see that Sonko represents hope for a people so disillusioned by life? Unmet needs have a way of doing that.

Whilst you may not be able to reach out to Sonko or quite honestly, you may not even have any intention, inclination or persuasion to do so, you could reach out to someone else.

You may have a neighbor, a colleague, a relative, a family member who seems to be struggling with something. They may be dealing with it in a way that does not make sense. In fact, they may be behaving in a way that completely disgusts you.

Could you look beyond that and reach out?

Many times I have learnt to see myself in such a person. I am learning to think to myself …. There goes I save for the grace of God.

It is hard. It may even be unthinkable.

But it is doable.

Sonko may not be the one on your plate or your radar but there is someone you can reach out to.

We can make the difference. One person at a time.

I am talking about how as a society, it seems that we seem to have become masters at bolting the shed after the horse has fled.

Could you do something for someone who is heading for self-destruction before it is too late?

It is hard. It may even be unthinkable.

But it is doable.

We can make the difference.

Each One Reach One.

Comfortable Discomfort

In the last couple of months my comfort zones have been under attack.

I have been learning to let go of familiar things, people and places and reach out to new ones. And that is easier said than done.

Comfort zones are familiar and familiar things are comfortable. Or are they? They only seem comfortable because it is what you are used to. The people, the surrounding, the situation, the state of mind have all become familiar. Even the complaining has become familiar. Who knew that whining could be such a strong bond between friends?

Think about it, some of our friendships are in essence support groups. We come together, moan about stuff and then go back to our miserable situation till the next time we meet to moan again. Funny how that never gets tiring?

So I have been embracing the changes in my life. I have also begun embracing new people. Get the smirk off your face of course my husband is aware am embracing new people!

So why am I excited about the changes that are happening in my life?

First, failure to embrace change will not stop change from happening. It is said nothing is more powerful than an idea whose time has come. The waves of change are indeed unstoppable, I can close the doors but change will sneak in through the window and slap me silly. Sometimes the cost to pay for denial is too much!

Secondly, unless I get to that place where I am ready to let go of the old, the new will never come. This is because two things cannot occupy the same space. It is either the new or the old. You cannot have the new old or the old new. Never! My heart wants the new. Craves the new. So the old must go!

Third, change is the only way I can move from my problem to my promise. I need to move from talking about the good old days. I cannot become woman I need to be if am not going to let go of woman I used to be.

Finally, if I ask for a makeover, I must be ready for a makeover! You see, as a woman every so often I will go to the salon because my hair looks bad and needs Ben’s magical touch. Ben is the one who waves his wand over my head regularly. It would be ridiculous for me to tell Ben, I need you to do my hair but please do not touch it. Do not change anything. Do not do anything. But after 2 hours here, I will want to look different when am leaving. Sounds silly right?

Well, we do it every day.

We ask God to take us to the next level but we start complaining when we are being shaken. When changes are taking place we whine. When the old is being taken away we complain that the days of persecution are here. You scream for communal prayers, the devil is attacking you. You fast for the changes to stop.

Will you make up your mind!

You may be on the edge of a new experience and you need a push from frustration to victory. From pain to power.

That push is CHANGE.

Embrace it. Enjoy it.

Let it evolve you.