A Choice & A Journey

I have met people who hold grudges. You know the angry kind that walk around with a scowl on the face. I like to chuckle and believe that some of these guys walk around with a copy of their birth certificate and each time they meet a doctor, they refer to the said document. Daily, they desire to meet the doctor whose name appears on the darn document because that doctor slapped their newborn bum and they want revenge for pain afflicted!

Following last week’s post on forgiveness, I received many responses and questions on my inbox. I also had the opportunity to chat with some of you about the whole issue of forgiveness.

The one question that was asked by several readers was how to deal with really deep hurt that goes beyond the minor conflicts in the office, home, or even the chama. The pain of the "real" world of violence, deep loss, pain and trauma.

Forgive me this post is kinda long :-).

Well, I am obviously no expert in the field of forgiving and so I can only share from my personal experiences.

Forgiving is acknowledging that you cannot change the past and that by dwelling in that past, you will be held captive by it. Forgiving enlarges your future.

A couple of years back, someone near and dear to me was shot and later died after we were carjacked. I was angry. Angry with guys who shot him. Angry with him for dying. Angry with doctors for not saving his life. Angry with God for letting him die and me also for allowing this pain to come into my life. Angry with myself for feeling all this anger.

It got so bad, I had developed ulcers and they were bleeding. Funny thing I remember about that period of time, I never cried. I felt numb. My eyes were dry. I did not want to feel anything. Anger was all I needed.

With time I began dealing with this but it would seem that I began forgiving with those that were furthest first. The killers and the doctors were first on the list. I started consciously seeking to see good in strangers. The effect of that was being reminded that not all strangers were evil. I also spent time just talking to my friends who were doctors and learning that when they lose a patient, it impacts them and it is not just a statistic.


Forgiving myself, forgiving Charles (the deceased) and making amends with God was another story.

It took me 5 years to get there.

Just like the effects of poison in container, the anger corroded my insides. My relationships suffered. On the outside I was smiling but it was a fake plastic smile. Thanks to a job that entailed dealing with clients I knew how fake a smile and say all the right things. I could sound as perky as the birds at the drop of a pen. My acting should have won me an Oscar!

But what options did I have? I had to go on and so the best that I could do for myself was put all these into a box and lock it away. Once in a while I would remove the box, have a pity party and then lock it away again. This would happen on the anniversary of the incident. I was in control as you can see. I just had to keep my feelings in check and things would be ok, time will heals.

In the meantime, the corrosion continued. Why was time not healing this wound?

How could I logically explain what I was feeling? That I was angry with a dead person? That I was angry with myself? And about being angry with God, was I even allowed to voice that?

For the journey to begin, I unwillingly found myself in the hands of a counselor. Unwillingly because I only showed up for counseling because it was mandatory for the course I was taking. I did not even think I had anything to say to her …it was a perfect waste of the 20 hours of mandatory therapy that I needed to graduate.

With time and lots of patience from the counselor, I was ready talked about the incident. It was astounding the details I remembered. You see previously, when I talked about that incident, I talked about it as a detached party. One would never believe that it happened to me as I showed no emotion about it.

But not on that day, I was no longer numb. I felt the freshness of the pain. My memory was vivid. I remembered it all. The jeans I had worn and even the yellow shirt. I could not stop the details from flooding my mind. I remembered everything. I sobbed like a baby. I remember meeting a classmate at that time and she asked me what was wrong as the effects of the sob session showed on my face. I told her my friend had died. She hugged me. She told me I should take time off class and yes, she was even willing to attend the funeral with me. You see, the poor girl thought he had died the day before because we had been in class together the previous day and I was ok. So you can imagine how nutty she thought when I told her he had died 5 years ago!

Crying never felt that good. I cried for all the things I had given,
only to have them stolen.

Long and short of it, that crying signaled the beginning of my journey.
Many times forget is thrown into that forgiving equation with the cliché “forgive and forget” but is that always our reality? I like what Carol Luebering says on the issue …. you cannot forgive what you refuse to remember any more than you can seek treatment for a disease whose symptoms you have yet to notice.

So I had to get to that place. Only what is revealed gets healed.

Looking back today, I am glad I took the longer journey to forgive. You should not be pressured to forgive. In the book - The Art of Forgiving: When You Need To Forgive And Don't Know How, Lewis B. Smedes talks about fast forgivers. He says they tend to forgive quickly in order to avoid their pain. Or they forgive fast in order to get an advantage over the people they forgive. And their instant forgiving only makes things worse...People who have been wronged badly and wounded deeply should give themselves time and space before they forgive...There is a right moment to forgive. We cannot predict it in advance; we can only get ourselves ready for it when it arrives...Don't do it quickly, but don't wait too long...If we wait too long to forgive, our rage settles in and claims squatter's rights to our souls.

I am not sure what you did or what others did.

You must start by forgiving yourself. Why yet you are the one who was wronged? Before you dismiss me for being silly let me explain that.

Sometimes even though you were the one wronged, you may be angry with yourself because you were wronged! You replay the situation over and over in your mind and you blame yourself for not having done things differently. May be if I had not ignored my gut feeling this would not have happened. If only I had paid attention to the details.

You may even be unable to forgive yourself because the person that you wronged has not yet forgiven you.

Please do not allow your self-forgiveness to be contingent upon somebody else's readiness or willingness to forgive you. They may get something out of holding on to anger that they are not ready to let go of. They may be too frightened or wounded to let go of their anger. Feeling angry may be an important part of their healing process at this time. Allow others to be where they are. Respect their right to feel the way they feel.
What others feel and how they deal with it is NOT your responsibility. It is not even within your control.

Sometimes choices are made in the name of forgiveness while what is occurring is not forgiveness at all. It is important not to confuse being forgiving with denying your own feelings, needs, and desires. Forgiving does not mean being passive and staying in a position that clearly does not work for you. It is important that you are clear about who you are and what your boundaries are. What is acceptable for you? If you are willing to allow unacceptable behavior again and again in the name of 'forgiveness,' you are more than likely using 'forgiveness' as an excuse not to take responsibility for taking care of yourself or as a way to avoid making changes." (Robin Casarjian - Forgiveness: A Bold Choice For A Peaceful Heart).

So you may be wondering what about my relationship with a God I was angry with because He allowed this pain to come my way.

Well, once I forgave myself for being angry with God and then took my achy breaky heart to Him. I gave Him all the pieces.

The healing and teaching balm made me look at the five years that had passed since the incident.

I cried as I counted my blessings over those years. You see, even though I was angry with God, He had not withheld His blessings from me. His plan for me was still for good and not for evil because all along they were to give me a future and a hope.

I was just too caught up in the past to realize it. Too blind to see.

Unforgiveness blinded me...it does that you know.

He revealed to me that had I held on to that relationship, the relationship He had in store for me would never have come. You see, even though my fiancé had died, God had brought my way the husband He had had in store for me all along. He had even given us a child as a result of that union.

I cried in shame. For five years, I had taken His blessings for granted.

The husband I had, the baby among many other blessings ...I felt I was entitled to them ….after all, He had taken away my fiancé! He owed me!

But God convicted me to be honest about the kind of man Charles was before he died. For the first time, I allowed myself to examine the relationship we had. The man God had in store for me was more patient, more forgiving and more secure to allow me the freedom to grow into the woman God would have me be. God had been preparing him all along you see.

I counted my blessings, named them one by one.

And more than that, He was still reaching out to me to restore me for His namesake.

How could I be angry with such a God? I cried for having been too foolish to see His goodness for me.

For me, forgiving was not an event, more like a process.

So friends, forgiveness is not about a set of behavior or a formula. Just because this is what worked for me it is not the prescribed path. It is not the only path. You need to find your own path.

Forgiving is not for the weak, it is a reserve of the strong as Mahatma Gandhi said.

It is a bold and courageous choice.

It is a personal journey.

Yet at all times, it is ALWAYS an attitude of the heart.

Blessings y'all!